I haven't blogged since mid ish November, so I'll start with Thanksgiving. As most of you know one of the things I dread the most is going to my parents. My mom has this tendency to pick me apart every time she sees me, so obviously I try to avoid it at all cost. To my surprise the Thanksgiving trip went a little differently. Everyone was really acting like we were one big happy family. I found it a little strange but without all the self esteem crushing, I didn't question it. Then that night my youngest stepbrother told me everyone in the other room was talking about me. Of course I sighed and questioned him but what he told me caught me off guard. He said they were all going on and on about how good you look. I just kind of raised an eyebrow and said nothing. Then that night I was getting ready to leave and my step dad looked at me and said, "How did you do it?" Confused I said, "Do what?" He said, "You're glowing, you look so happy and it looks like you've lost more weight than you already had." I just smiled and responded with, "Nothing. The weight loss is from eating organics and the glow is probably from me just not giving a shit about anything anymore." He just smiled and gave me a hug. My mom said nothing because it would seriously kill her to give me a compliment to my face you know. Anyway, that's probably the first time in years and years I have left my parents house feeling pretty good about myself.
Lets fast forward a month to Christmas Eve. I had to work but I took half a day vacation because my mom requires all of us to come home on Christmas Eve and spend the night. No matter how old we get, that's the rule. Trust me it's much easier to please her than to make excuses/truth of why you can't come. Well going to work was pointless. I get there and the internet was down, meaning I couldn't work because I have to have the internet to do anything. So I had spent 2 and a half hours on the phone with our provider to find out the bill had not been paid. Seriously what kind of fucking company doesn't pay the one thing that the company needs to run. By the time I got off the phone with them, pissed might I add, it was time for me to leave. I got nothing done at all that day. So the entire two hour drive to my parents I was seeing red thinking about how my time I wasted at work for nothing. Not just that what kind of fucking company doesn't pay their internet bill? We'll be coming back to this work thing here in a bit. Anyway, Christmas was crazy tense. Mom was bitching at everybody, my stepdad was bitching at everybody and they kept getting into it so all around it was not a comfortable situation. As usual the gifts were over priced and over the top because in my family that's how they show love. You get lots of expensive things to express the amount of love they have for you. You'd think by now I would be use to it. I mean my whole 32 years it's always been the same but whatever. I know when I have kids I'll do my best to make them feel good about themselves and loved and not have buy their love. Pretty much Christmas in my opinion was a bust and a win. There was some major stress involved but at the same time I got a shit load of awesome stuff lol.
Now lets go back to the whole work thing. I've been here almost two years now. Not only are they under paying me nor do I have any benefits, there is some really shady shit going on here. So I am looking for another job. I've even been on an interview where I was perfect for the job BUT I have no experience in medical claims so they held that against me. Honestly I wasn't even upset when I got the rejection email. It's that company's loss, not mine. Then I was talking to a couple coworkers today and I made the comment that I'm not sure how soon I want to leave because I think I want to sit back and what karma do it's thing here which is already in the place of happening. Besides when I leave I have a few phone calls I'll be personally making to be sure karma finishes her job properly. Just sucks the company is so shitty because I seriously love all my coworkers. Never worked with such a great team. Kind of makes me feel bad to leave, but I've got to do what's best for me and this place isn't good at all for anybody except maybe the shady CEO. So yea, that's that.
Other than that, not much has been going on. Just been really busy with family, friends and that whole being an adult thing. Although I do want to get your thoughts on something. As most of you know I do not trust anyone. ANYONE. So the things I need to say but have no one to say them to, I write in a journal. I mean I write about everything under the sun including my most inner personal thoughts. Well the other day after work, I was sitting in the car waiting on J to get off work. While I was waiting I was writing. Completely oblivious to anything and everything around me, I was writing a mile a minute. Anyway completely focused on my journal I didn't see J walk up to the car. When I looked up he was walking up to the car from the middle of the parking lot. Completely confused of why he would be coming from that way since I parked right in front of the door and it wasn't time for him to be off work yet, I rolled the window down and casually asked what are you doing? He mumbled something I didn't really hear with a strange look on his face and went back in the building. I just kind of shook my head and went back to what I was doing. About 15-20 minutes when he got off work he came back to the car so we could go home. He was acting extremely awkward so I asked what the fuck his problem was. Where he proceeds to tell me he saw what I was writing. Let me add it wasn't anything bad, I was just stating how he made me feel about something he had said to me and a couple of friends. Pretty much he made me feel like shit about myself unknowingly. I really don't think he did it on purpose nor realize how such innocent words could cause so much damage. Needless to say the 30 mile drive home was extremely tense and silent. Here's the thing, I'm not really that upset that he saw my personal thoughts and feeling, I'm more upset because I feel like my privacy was invaded which it was. I can't help how I feel hurt him but I assure you he has done plenty of things to me that ripped me apart in the past with no regret which is why I don't trust him and this did not help. So I just don't know. What are your thoughts on this matter? Maybe you have a similar story? This is still lingering around and any trust we have worked on building back over the past few years, a huge crack was put back in it.
Alright, I'm sure I've bored you enough with my life for now. I hope y'all are doing fabulous and are being the best demented unicorns I know you can be. I'll hope to have a new YouTube video up sometime this weekend and I'll do my best to blog at least once a week. So until next week...
XOXO