I don't even know how to start this really. So I'll just dive right in head first. I am in a really bad place with myself right now. It is effecting everything I do from the time I get up until the time I go to bed. Worst part is, really it's not over then because I'm restless at night because I'm in a bad place with myself. Sometimes my insecurities get the best of me and take over my life. It doesn't happen often, maybe every other year or so but when it does it hits fast and hard. It's bad. Real bad!
So what's my problem? First of all, I told you about the 16 pounds I had gained over the holiday's. Well it hasn't gone anywhere. I haven't gained any more but I sure as hell haven't lost any either. There's a few contributors to this. One is I just went through birthday week, where there were 4 birthdays back to back. People were shoving food at me left and right. The following week was my birthday which got celebrated for over a week with different groups of friends. Once again food, cake, junk in general was being shoved at me left and right. I really think if it wouldn't have been for all the detox waters, working out and watching what I was eating at home, then I would have gained a bunch of weight.
Second contributing factor is friends. I go out with friends almost every weekend. They always want to go out to eat. Huge downfall right there. No matter how hard I worked over the week that is all lost as soon as we go out to eat. Simple as that. Worst part is they make it almost impossible to say no. Especially when I'm not the only one who has a vote.
My second issue with myself right now is something completely out of my control. Acne! Here in the Carolina's we go from Winter pretty much straight into Summer. That does horrible things to my skin. The humidity breaks me out so bad. My chest, neck, face and back. I've gone through it my entire life so you would think I'd be use to it by now. Nope still kills me on the inside. So on top of the extra pounds, my face looks like a 15 year old.
I really need a day to myself. Actually I'm in desperate need of that day. I need to focus on me. In order for that to happen I need the house to myself when I have nothing else to do. I was going to get that this past Saturday, but some friends invited themselves over so that didn't happen. It has taken a toll too. I've done nothing but gotten worse since. What makes it even worse was that's two more times I went out to eat that day alone. I have been beating myself up over it every since. I'm to the point where I don't want to be seen or touched. It's bad.
So where do I go from here? Well for one I will not be eating out at all. Like period. Downfall to that is that will definitely cut down on the friends time but for me to get back to being me it's necessary. I will get my day come hell or high water. Then I can have a little spiritual one on one and re-center myself because that is really important at this point. I will give myself a facial, and do other girlie things that will make me feel better about myself. People tell me over and over how beautiful I am and this that and another, but I don't feel it so in return I take those compliments as lies. So other than that I will continue to workout like I have been if not a little harder and just focus on me and stop worrying about others.
I know a lot of close friends read my blog. I would like to thank y'all for that. But I also want to tell you if over the next couple months you feel like I'm blowing you off, I am. I really need to fix me right now. I'm sorry but it's the only way I know how. Sometimes you just have to disappear and limit yourself and it does effect others but it has to be done.
All of what I have said today has a lot to do with where I've been as well and that's just on top of the website giving me issues. As you can see nothing is off limits with my blog. I do give raw emotion because if I do then others will know they aren't alone. I have been so horribly mean to myself over the last few weeks and I'm sure some of you do the same. No matter how hard I try not to, it happens anyway. I am my own worst enemy.
Until Next Time,
XOXO